Sunday, May 31, 2015

Finding My Self Worth

I have 6 more Taxol treatments and I will be done with chemo.  Hopefully for good!

Although the Taxol isn't as harsh as what is known as the reds (Adriamycin & Cytoxan), it has it's own slew of side effects.  Not only are there side effects from the Taxol, but from the pre-meds given me every week.  Some of these side effects are harder on me than others.  I am finding the more treatments I have the more fatigue I have.  My legs and feet ache and I find walking far exhausts me. The temporary menopause with its accompanying hot flashes are awful.  Weight gain is also an unexpected side effect.  This is from the steroids I'm given before the Taxol.  This causes an increased appetite with weight gain.  I can't seem to get full.  I'm constantly hungry.  This is more of a psychological issue for me than anything.  Unfortunately at times this effects how I see myself.  There are times I fail to see my true worth.  I fall under Satan's power much of the time and find myself pitying myself and looking at myself with self-loathing.  My hair has started to grow and it is in a phase where it makes my head look like an old man.  The extra weight, with the mostly bald head and lack of breasts sometimes takes it's tole on me.  I forget at times that these things aren't what's important.

I find myself in constant prayer asking my Heavenly Father to help me not feel this way, I know deep down that I am of great worth and my womanhood is not dependent upon physical things.  I have been blessed beyond measure with a loving husband who finds me beautiful no matter what.  I have wonderful children.  They bring so much joy into my life.  I love being their mother.  Other than a few side effects, I'm handling the chemo well.  I am beating this cancer.  I am surrounded by wonderful people who are constantly there for my family.  I have a testimony of my Savior.  This brings me much peace and comfort.  I am very blessed.

So why do I let the negative aspects effect me so.  I know what truly matters, and it's not the physical.  I know that there are many that struggle with their self image.  This is one of Satan's tools to destroy us.   It is hard not to look back at what used to be when you have lost so much.  It is hard to see the eternal perspective of things.  One day all will be made right.  We will be made whole again because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  He went through all so we could have the promise of eternal life with our Father in Heaven.  He laid the path for us.  We just need to have faith and accept Him.
What a wonderful plan our Father in Heaven has for us.  He loves each of us so much.  He knows us individually and desires for us to be happy.  He knows that things will not always be easy for us, that we have our sorrows and hardships.  I am so grateful for him providing a Savior for us.  I am so grateful for having the gospel in my life.  What a great blessing!

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