Walk In The Park

I am so thrilled about how well I am feeling after this new chemo treatment.  The nurses weren't kidding when they said that the Taxol would be a walk in the park compared to the other drugs.  I feel great.  The only side effects I have experienced are from the premeds they gave me.  Of coarse they still had to give me the steroids which I begged the doctor not to.  This always gives me a bad headache.  They gave me Tylenol for that which worked well to take the edge off.  They also gave me an iv bag full of benadryl.  This pretty much knocked me out for the rest of the day.  I drove myself to my appointment so needed to be extra careful driving home with that in my system.  Other than being really tired I haven't had any issues.  NO NAUSEA!!!  How awesome is that that?  That means no nausea pills which comes with their own set of side effects, constipation being the worse of them.

Our home teachers came over Sunday night and helped Steven give me a blessing.  We were concerned about getting chemo due to me being currently ill.  Steven had the flu over the weekend and gave me a taste of it, though not as bad as he had it.  Sunday I was still feeling pretty awful.  It was indeed a miracle to wake up Monday morning with little more than a sniffle.  I could get my chemo and be okay, which means no set backs.  The priesthood is a wonderful thing.  I am so grateful for the worthy priesthood holders in my life.

Excuses

A few days ago my youngest daughter came up to me pretty upset.  I asked her what was wrong and her answer surprised me.  She does not want to go to second grade.  She does not think she is ready.  Although I believe this to be a pretty common fear among young kids in school, it made me reflect on my year as a mother to my girls.  I had to ask the question, have I been there as I should have for them?  This contemplation has brought me quite a bit of self-reflection.  How often have I been so wrapped up in my own worries that I have neglected to look outside myself and see the bigger picture?

Being a mother is one of the biggest and most rewarding opportunities given me.  I love being a mother.  My children have brought so much joy into my life.  So why have I put my responsibilities to them as a mother on a back burner? 

Yes, I have cancer, but have I let cancer become my life?  Looking back on these last several months since the diagnosis I would have to answer this question with a resounding “YES”.  This makes me sad for all those around me.  I have let cancer take over my life.  I have let it limit me in what I do.  I am ashamed to say that I have been playing the cancer card way too often. 

The truth is, I’m not limited.  I have more good days than bad.  So why have I stopped living my life?  I really can’t answer that question.  I honestly don’t know why.  But due to my neglect in my everyday duties, (being a wife and mother) my children are paying a price.

I neglect to help them with their homework everyday as I should.  I am often sending my older girls to do the reading with Brianna.  I am not as loving with my husband as I should be due to my own insecurities.  I have become a pretty lousy housekeeper, as one can attest just walking into my home.

I keep being told that the experiences I am having due to cancer will help me to bless others.  My thoughts seem to be that yes, this may help me to “someday” be able to bless others.  But then I feel guilty.  Why only someday?  Why not today?  There is so much that I can do to bless others’ lives.  But first I need to dig myself out of this hole that is all about me.

Do others find themselves feeling this way?  I’m sure they do.  When going through trials it is hard to see past that trial.  But I think the blessing are there more fully if we can look past ourselves and do something good for another. 

I can’t help but think of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He had more trials than any of us.  He was persecuted, spit upon, whipped and scourged.  He suffered immensely in the Garden of Gethsemane and was ultimately crucified.  But his deeds and thoughts were not for himself. They were for you and me.  He loved all unconditionally.  He forgave unconditionally.  He did all for others, not himself.  We could not ask for a better example than him.

I wish to be more like my Savior.  Looking past myself for just a moment to see those who are in need of what I can do for them.  Although I am going through some pretty rough things right now, I am still me.  I still have the capacity to love and serve.  My own personal trial shouldn't be an excuse to not think of others.  If anything my hardships should make me more compassionate, not someday, but today.  I have been blessed by so many in my life.  Others are continually coming to my aid.  I am beyond grateful for that.

  

Today I start a new round of chemo.  I am nervous about the side effects, but I am told that this next drug will be a walk in the park compared to the last.  So no more excuses.  If anything, I can be there more for my husband and my children.

Can Only Go Downhill From Here.... Right?

The worst is behind me!  I did it.  I finished the Adriamycin and the Cytoxan.  The Adriamycin was pretty potent with lots of bad side effects that I’m ready to have out of my system.  I have a three week recovery period and then I start the Taxol.  This chemo drug will be administered once a week for twelve weeks.  Then happily I will be completely done with my chemo. 

The Taxol I am told will be a “walk in the park” compared to what I have been given.  The only down side is that it’s every week.  I have no idea how I will react to it.  I’m truly hoping that nausea won’t be one of my side effects even though it’s considered to be a possible side effect.  Pray for me that it won’t be.  I can handle the fatigue, especially with all the wonderful sisters in my ward that visit me.

I’m so amazed at the love and service my family has received.  I have found so much comfort in those I am surrounded by.  Stronger friendships have been made and I have come to love all of them.  Thank you for that.  You are an answer to my prayers. 

I got to visit from a friend yesterday shortly after getting home from chemo.  She shared a story with Steven and I of another families trials and the testimony that was shared.  She also shared with us how others view our family at this time as being strong and an inspiration to others.  I then expressed to her my feelings.  I mentioned how most only see that side because I try my best to be positive around others.  There are so many times when I am alone that I become down.  I have those dark times where I see myself in the mirror and see only an ugly mess.  What I always took for granted before is gone.  I see ugly scars on my chest where there used to be breasts.  I feel like a drag queen when I put on my makeup and sometimes wonder “what’s the point”.  I have started losing my eyebrows and eyelashes.  This has been another blow for me.  These feeling bring me down and I know they are not what my Heavenly Father sees, nor wants me to see.  When I am surrounded by others who are filled with love for me, they do not see my lack of chest or lack of hair.  They see me.  And I am uplifted and renewed.

In Young Women’s we recite the Young Women theme every week.  It starts off with this;   “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.”  What a great reminder for all of us.  We are all his beloved children.  He looks on the heart, not our scars.  I am extremely blessed to be surrounded by those that exemplify this attribute of our Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ.  They see my heart not my deformities.  They are all truly angles.

I want to say a big Thank you to everyone for the prayers and words of encouragement.  I could not do this without you.  I love you all and appreciated the continued prayers on both mine and my families account.  Keep them coming.  I need them.

Second Round Was A Go!

My white blood cells were back up so I was able to go ahead with my chemo yesterday.  I was relieved that I didn't have to get the shot that I have been told will make my bones ache, yet it would stimulate my bone marrow to produce my white blood cells.   That being said, I was happy to not have to do that.

My son Alex took me to chemo.  I enjoyed spending time with him and I hope he enjoyed it although it took longer than usual.

All went well during the actual chemo.  No real side effects other than to the steroids.  It was good to have Alex to drive home.  He was also a great help in getting my youngest Brianna to a birthday party and picking her up later.

This round seemed to be harder on me last night.  I had the usual head ache, but the nausea was the worst.  The patch they gave me seemed to be doing very little so I got out the dreaded Compazine (which is a sedative) and started taking it.  I also took more Zofran.  I only threw up twice and was able to keep the rest down.

I also got to speak with an old friend who is big into the doTerra Essential Oil's. She sent me several samples that she thought would help me.  I used a few of them last night.  I'm hoping with use I will see some benefit.

Julie Cummings brought the kids pizza which the truly enjoyed.  I wish I could have but I know I wouldn't have been able to keep it down.  My number one priority is drinking.  I sipped water all night and continue to do so.  Alex made me so scrambled eggs this morning.  He has been a huge help, especially since Steven got sent out of town for a few days.

All in all I think I'll get through this week.  I already feel better than I did last night.

I'm getting tired and ready to lie down again so going to cut this short.  I truly appreciate all the love and prayers.  I really need them.

Bye Bye Hair

I think I jinxed myself when I wrote my last post.  My hair started coming out in clumps last night.  This morning quite a bit more came out in the shower.  So I asked Steven how the girls felt about cutting my hair this morning.  Brianna was over the moon excited.  She got ready faster than I have ever seen her for school so she could help.  Ally had no interest in helping.

We rolled up the rug in the kitchen and I sat in the chair, giving free reign to Brianna and Steven.  They did a pretty good job with the whole of it.  Brianna really enjoyed herself and we got a kick out of her excitement.  Me?  I think I'm okay.  It looks like I have a five o'clock shadow on my head.

I tried out one of my new scarves and have to say I looked pretty good.  Steven and I then headed out to my one appointment for today (prosthesis fitting).  After being outside I quickly realized that a scarf was not going to cut it alone.  My head was freezing.  So after my appointment we headed to the shop at the cancer center where I get my chemo.  We bought me a turban and a hat.  My head was quite warm after that.

Overall Steven and I have had a good day.  Here's some pictures of my new head gear.